“Do not fret because of evil men or be envious of those who do wrong,
For like grass they will soon wither, like green plants they will soon die away.
Trust in the LORD and do good; dwell in the land and enjoy safe pasture.
Delight yourself in the LORD and he will give you the desires of your heart.
Commit your way to the LORD; trust in him and he will do this:
He will make your righteousness shine like the dawn,
The justice of your cause like the noonday sun.
Be still before the LORD and wait patiently for him;
Do not fret when men succeed in their ways, when they carry out their wicked schemes.
Refrain from anger and turn from wrath; do not fret—it leads only to evil.
For evil men will be cut off, but those who hope in the LORD will inherit the land.
--Excerpts from Psalm 37
I’m surprised my laptop still works! I have barely touched it since I graduated from college almost a year ago. At one point during my undergraduate years, I could not go an hour without it. And now? My life consists of answering emails, making ONU look good, watching endless hours of Law & Order: SVU, and picking up a second job to pay my medical bills. I always thought that God would lead me into a life of adventure, insecurity, and uncertainty; but instead, I find myself comforted by the monotony of the everyday. For the first time in years, I feel like I am functioning at the normal level of my age bracket. Albeit, I do still have my extremes: from worrying if my calcium intake is affecting my bone density and therefore exponentially increasing my risk of osteoporosis, to sitting on my living room floor, eating a peanut butter & jelly sandwich, drinking grape juice, and coloring in my Muppets Giant Activity Book. Slowly, but surely I am learning to live in the balance of middle age and toddlerhood.
But one thing I will always claim to be true: God has been faithful. Throughout every trial, every setback, every wrong turn, every obscenity ridden tirade, every “huh-dur” moment….He has not once turned his back on me. When I blatantly turn my back on Him and run into the arms of my past, He waits patiently for me to return home.
It reminds me of when I was a kid and would threaten to run away when my parents would punish me. I made the decision that I didn’t want to be their kid anymore, so, I somehow found my way into the attic, risked death retrieving my old suitcase, packed the essentials--Fluffanutter sandwich, Bulls sweatshirt, and my Ninja Turtles figurines (actually just Rafael because the other 3 were lame)--and ran away to the garage. I was exhilarated by my newfound freedom! No parents to tell me what to do, no stupid rules, and all the freeze pops I could eat! Life was awesome. But like every sugarcoated bad idea, the excitement and the passion of being independent quickly dissolved into loneliness, fear, and regret. I began to notice the dark shadows on the wall and the giant spiders ready to eat my face at any moment (not to mention I had run out of freeze pops), Eventually I would realize my stupidity, admit defeat, and knock on the back door of my house. And every time I came home, my mother was silently waiting for me with a cup of hot chocolate in hand, assured that her wayward daughter is safe once again.
How many times has my God done that for me? I get mad, disappointed, bored or hurt and off I run into my garage. The godless freedom is intoxicating to the point of utter delusion. Soon enough though, I am forced to face my demons and come to the conclusion that maybe, just maybe, God knows a little more about life than I do. Maybe He really does want to give me the desires of my heart, if I would only stop pouting long enough to listen. Maybe I am wrong (crazy, I know). Maybe I should not give up on Him so quickly. But like my patient mother, He is always inside, waiting for the knock on the door. I just hope He never runs out of hot chocolate….