Signed, Sealed, (almost) Delivered

My wedding countdown has officially made it to the single digits, and I can honestly say it's caught me off guard. It's not that I'm not ready -- with a mom who moonlights as a wedding planner and a sister who completes "to-do" lists like it's her job, my wedding has been ready since October. Truth is, I don't handle dramatic change very well, and I have taken comfort in telling myself, "I have ____ months left so don't stress out." Well, now that ___ is 8 days and needless to say, I'm a bit freaked out.

And in typical neurotic-Lauren fashion, I'm not freaked out about "normal" wedding things like the groom not showing up on time (ok maybe just a little) or the ring-bearer balking halfway down the aisle. Nay nay -- I am stressed that:

1. The groomsman's (groomsmens'? grooms men's?) boutonnieres will not be pinned symmetrically
2. All of the Starbucks in the south suburbs of Chicago will be closed for just that one day
3. I will forget to dust the inside of my Jetta (which will sit in my parents' driveway the whole time)
4. The milk in my refrigerator will turn to cottage cheese
5. I will sneeze during the ceremony (my sneezes sound like a fart sometimes)
6. Billy will somehow stab me, the pastor and/or himself (see Jewish Marriage Covenant)
7. Our hotel room for the wedding night will not be up to my standard of cleanliness, and we'll have to change rooms a hundred times like Monica & Chandler
8. Billy will have gas and thus silently kill half of our wedding party
9. Our DJ will play the "Chicken Dance"
10. My grandmother will ask Billy (again) if he's wearing clean underwear

Since I will probably not be online again until after the wedding, I will be sure to make note of the above concerns and let you know if any of them come to pass. Until then, Matzel Tov!

It's Pronounced "Bur-Bon-Nay"

Have you ever read those cute "You Know You're From _______ When..." articles? Hailing from Chicago, I always got a kick out of reading about our little quirks (refusing to put ketchup on a hot dog) and slang (let's sit in the "frontchoom"). So, I decided to write one for my beloved new hometown:

"You Know You're From Bourbonnais When..."

• You can successfully pronounce and spell "Bourbonnais" without thinking twice
• The grand opening of Kroger and Wal-Mart are considered national holidays
• You're well aware of the health risks involved in eating at El Campesino's, but you love it anyway
• You know the significance of January 29th, 2009
• You've memorized the sequence of the traffic lights at the 45/52 - Rte. 102 intersection
• You can successfully pronounce "Jaenicke's"
• You never set foot in the river
• You can name 15 different churches at the drop of a dime
• You know there is at least one ONU employee at the Cracker Barrel at all times
• You know exactly what a person is referring to when he/she says "the high school" or "the college"
• You're willing to risk getting shot by a gang driveby just to receive the student discount at Paramount
• You're never more than 1/2 mile away from a Starbucks
• You know that 45/52, Main Street, Kennedy Drive, Marsile, and Convent all refer to the same street
• You or someone you know either currently works or previously worked at Cigna, Riverside, or Olivet Nazarene University
• You've attended at least one party at Hidden Cove Family Fun Park
• Taco Tuesdays. Enough said.
• Orland Park is considered the entertainment and shopping "hot spot"
• You're still waiting for the Olive Garden
• You've gone sledding at Poop Hill
• You know the Papa John's Friday night delivery guy by name (it's Joe, by the way)
• Anything south of the KFC is considered Kankakee

That's enough for now. Let me know if you can think of any others. Enjoy!

Two for One

Have you ever had one of those days where you feel like everyone else around you is one step ahead (of the shoeshine...) and you're stuck in the mud?

I hate feeling like this.

Dichotomous Wunderkind

The title for this blog post was originally going to be "Stupidity Has a Name....and It's Me!" but then I reread the title of my previous post...."Newsflash: I'm Brilliant." Huh. Welp, at least I keep things interesting.

I will admit that even though I take my academic intellect quite seriously and shamelessly brag about it on a public website, I must also admit that I can be one of the dumbest people on this Earth. Case(s) in point:

1. I cannot count money. Sure, I can sit and count out pennies, nickels, and dimes, but ask me for change from a $5.50 purchase with a $10 bill and I'm stuck staring blankly at you while secretly trying to count on my fingers. And considering I work in the Student Accounts office, you can only imagine the exasperated looks I get from students.
2. I forget things. A few weeks ago after returning home from a workout, my house smelled like something was burning. I quickly ran to my bedroom to discover that I had left the radiator space heater on. On the carpet. For two and a half hours. Unattended. Good thing I'm the landlady.
3. I'm not creative. Take one step into my house and you'll notice how it looks exactly like page 26 out of Martha Stewart's October magazine. Take one look at my wardrobe and you'll notice almost every outfit has been bought off of a mannekin. Take a look at my kindergarten drawings and I bet you they look just like Kevin Hurta's.
4. I cheat. This may not necessarily represent my intellect, but it does reveal my "less than smart" side as cheating is dumb. I have to win at all costs and will shamelessly cheat at party games, video games, board games, pick-up basketball games, "guess how many M&M's are in the jar," etc. Horrible, I know.
5. I pretend I'm someone else. I've done a lot of traveling by myself and I admit that every time I meet someone on a plane, I have a different pseudonym and life story. I should stick to one alias such as Regina Filange or Anastacia Beaverhausen and thus continually build the character, but again -- see #3. (Note: I don't have multiple-personality disorder or any type of psychological disorder -- I just think it's fun in a dumb and twisted way.)

Trust me, there are plenty more examples and I'm sure many of you will have the opportunity to witness them. I just ask that you please laugh silently.