Waiting

Spend any amount of time in a car with me and you’ll learn that patience is not my strong suit. The goal is the same every time: get from point A to point B as fast as humanly possible. A few of my sweet, southern Indiana friends have voiced their concern about my erratic driving habits, but I just chalk it up to my Chicago roots. Eat or be eaten, I say. 

Spend any amount of time with me, period, and you’ll learn even quicker that I have a very Type A personality. I am impatient. I am strong-willed. I make lists. I make schedules. I make lists of my schedules. A place for everything and everything in its place, I say.

In summation, I hate waiting and everything needs to go according to my master plan. Right?

The Man and I want our kids close together in age, so we started trying for number three not long after our Coyote was sitting up on his own (go ahead, call us crazy). Given my history, we wanted to give ourselves ample time in case something went wrong. So we started trying and we waited. And waited. And waited. 

We started infertility treatments. 
We are still waiting. 
This is not the plan. 

For a few months, I slipped into a really dark place. This new struggle with fertility magnified my insecurity and I saw myself as a failure, a second-rate wife, and a fifteenth-rate mom. I felt guilty and selfish for wanting another child when there are women who are struggling to have one. Maybe I wasn't grateful enough for my two amazing boys. I never doubted God's presence, but He felt distant. Quiet. Shortly after Christmas, I was driving home from one of my doctor’s appointments and heard this chorus on the radio:

“So take courage my heart

Stay steadfast my soul,

He's in the waiting

He's in the waiting.

And hold onto your hope

As your triumph unfolds,

He's never failing

He's never failing”

I began to wonder: maybe my triumph shouldn't be just getting pregnant. Maybe this time of waiting goes beyond secondary infertility. This process is arduous, exhausting, and painful. I don't want to be in this place. But what if my God is trying to give me something more than a baby? What if my God is using this time to slowly change my heart to be more like His? It’s almost like He is waiting for me to wear myself out from all of the planning, worrying, and scheduling so that when I’m finally too exhausted to go on, He can whisper His truth: I am here. I am in control. Just wait. 

So we wait. 

“The faithful love of the LORD never ends! His mercies never cease. Great is his faithfulness; his mercies begin afresh each morning. I say to myself, “The LORD is my inheritance; therefore, I will hope in him!” Lamentations 3:22