The Man: "How much lemon juice should I put in the tuna salad?"
Me: "Just a squirt."
The Man: "How much is a squirt? I only measure in pinches & dollops."
After posting, the Man informed me that I misquoted him in the above conversation. He does not measure in pinches & dollops, but rather hints & dashes. My apologies.
Me [referring to our neighbor who just had a baby]: "She is so cute!"
The Man: "I'm not usually a fan of those flat shoes, but...."
Me: "What are you talking about?"
The Man: "You didn't notice her shoes? She was wearing those flat ballerina-like shoes. I don't normally like those, but hers were really cute."
Me: "Are you kidding me with this?"
The Man: "You're just not observant. I notice such things."
Me: "You can't remember what you just ate for lunch, but her shoes you notice."
The Man: "That's what makes me a good cop."
The Man [pulling a burnt piece of toast out of the toaster]: "There! That's how you make toast."
Me: "It's completely burned. That's gross."
The Man: "Charcoal is good for the stomach, my grandma used to say."
Me: "You know that's not charcoal."
The Man: "Same difference."
Me: "What did you have for dinner tonight?"
The Man: "We went to some weird European place called The Blind Pig. All they served was pork and ham and bacon and stuff."
Me: "So a good place to take a Jew?"
The Man: "Exactly. Except everything was in French and I couldn't understand anything, so I just ordered a hamburger. It was the only thing I could pronounce. That and french fries. And a coke."
The Man: "When you eat Qdoba, do you feel like your insides are going to fall out?"
Me: "Not exactly."
The Man: "Must just be me then."