A Good Man Wife is Hard to Find

During my 7 minute commute to work, when I'm not ridiculously late and still trying to justify stopping at Starbucks, I tune in to the Eric and Kathy Show on the Mix. This morning they had a segment called, "How'd You Do?" Women called in and explained what they got their significant other for Christmas; a panel of men then decided if the gift was a thumbs up or thumbs down. One woman bought her gambling Guido several shares of MGM Grand, another purchased and framed Sports Illustration Swimsuit covers, etc. Needless to say, most of these women received thumbs up.

I realize that this game was simply an outlet for women to brag about their creativity and/or financial prowess; however, being the OCD perfectionist that I am, I started to evaluate my performance as a wife. And since the stereotypical "good wife" originated in the 1950's, I Googled "How to Be a Good Wife" and found an article from 1956. Let's see how well I measure up...

"Have dinner ready. Plan ahead, even the night before, to have a delicious meal, on time. This is a way of letting him know that you have been thinking about him and are concerned about his needs. Most men are hungry when they come home and the prospect of a good meal are part of the warm welcome needed."
If by "ready" they mean still in the freezer and/or cabinet and/or grocery store, then I'm doing pretty well. The Man is lucky if I can get my act together enough to throw some meat in a crock pot and call it dinner.

"Prepare yourself. Take 15 minutes to rest so that you'll be refreshed when he arrives. Touch up your makeup, put a ribbon in your hair and be fresh-looking. He has just been with a lot of work-weary people. Be a little gay and a little more interesting. His boring day may need a lift."
First of all, the Man gets home before me and he certainly doesn't touch up his makeup before I arrive. 'His boring day may need a lift.' The Man plays chess in the bathroom -- I doubt there is anything I can do to make his day any more interesting.

"Listen to him. You may have a dozen things to tell him, but the moment of his arrival is not the time. Let him talk first."
I've perfected the art of pretending to listen while he rants and raves about political theory or postmodern philosophy. It's a great time to get my grocery list in order.

"Make the evening his. Never complain if he does not take you out to dinner or to other places of entertainment. Instead, try to understand his world of strain and pressure, his need to be home and relax."
We very rarely go out to dinner or other places of entertainment. And if by "need to be home and relax" they mean "let him practice his new MMA moves on you" then I'm wife-of-the-year.

Enough of that train wreck. So maybe I don't bake homemade pies or send cute Christmas cards or wear pleated skirts with pearls or greet him with a kiss, the newspaper, and a Scotch. But I make chocolate chip pancakes, watch Bloodsport, and go to Buffalo Wild Wings for every single date night. I may not be able to afford extravagant Christmas gifts like a new phone, an Xbox, or a Glock 32 Magnum, but I help him practice is rear-naked choke, listen to the Allman Brothers, and challenge him in a game of Madden. Good Housekeeping will never ask me for an interview, but I'm ok with that. I know that I'm a kick-a#% wife.