Secrets

"Secrets, secrets are no fun. Secrets, secrets hurt someone."

Well, not ALL secrets are bad in my opinion. I'm sure some people don't need to know that I can quote the entire Star Wars trilogy verbatim or that I own a pink makeup case [it was free and it does the job -- don't judge]. However, after several meaningful conversations with friends and family, I realized that I have been giving off wrong impressions unintentionally. Some of my opinions have been misleading and I want to take a moment to clarify. I cherish integrity and to me, integrity is being true to one's self regardless of environment or circumstances. So here's the truth.

1. I want to be a mom. This is probably the scariest fact I have to admit. For years I have stood on my soapbox proclaiming how I don't ever want kids. I was so sincere that I convinced my friends, coworkers, and my family of such. I'm not a "natural born mother" as I like to call them; I don't enjoy baby-sitting and could never hack it as a nanny. Up until just a few weeks ago I believed the lie that I couldn't be a good mom simply because I'm not "momish." But the truth is, I can't picture not having children. I want the connection, the bond, the love, the laughs, the tears, the struggles, the fights. Am I ready yet? No. But that doesn't mean I can't or won't be a great mom someday. It's so refreshing to finally come to terms with this.
2. I love being a housewife. My feminist friends are probably going to burn me at the stake for this, but I love taking care of my husband. Sure he leaves his gear all over the living room on a daily basis and eats more food than what is considered safe, but I have loved every single minute with the Man. He has been working so hard to achieve his dream and I feel as though the best way to support him right now is to take care of the home. At the end of the day, after he's been beat up and worn down, I don't want him to worry about what to make for dinner or if his uniform is ironed. I love him desperately. End of story.
3. I'm a huge scaredy-cat. Probably due to my strong personality and remnant feminism, at times I have given off a "tough-girl" image: I can handle anything. Not only am I afraid of stupid things like spiders, clowns, the dark, and Steve Buscemi, but I'm afraid of much bigger issues like relationships, failure, success, loneliness, faith, etc. If this move has taught me anything (other than Chick-Fil-A is a gift from God), I'm much less independent and confident than I think I am. I hate being lonely and am afraid that I won't meet others' expectations. Fear can be debilitating, but I'm trying not to let it dictate my decisions anymore.

I know that a blog seems like a silly place for a catharsis, but if I'm going to be real, I have to start somewhere. There are many more "secrets" to be told, but it's getting late and the Man is snoring so loudly I can't hear myself think. Until next time...