Small Town Southern Man

Now that I've decided to blog about the dysfunctional relationships in my life, I feel as though I should introduce the original Man. No, not Jesus. Not Rocky. Not Chuck Norris.

Billy.

Pre-Lauren Billy.

Northwoods Wisconsin Billy.

The "I wear pleated pants, play World of Warcraft, never been to a large city, wear socks with sandals, and have an earring" Billy.

Never underestimate the power of a woman. Or Gap.

Purpose Driven Blog

I'm thinking that my blog needs to take a certain direction; it needs to have a purpose; a theme, if you will. Most of the blogs I read are dedicated to certain topics or areas in life: restoring an old house, adjusting to life as a redneck, wrangling three small children, 365 days of crock potting, garage sales, etc.

As I was laying in bed last night, listening to the Man sing "Deep in the Heart of Texas" in a Reba-esque accent, I found what I was looking for. I should probably consult my friends and members of my family before I mention them in my blog posts, but it's easier to ask for forgiveness than for permission, right? I love you all dearly and have no qualms with most family members (except for the select few who choose not to speak to me, but it's their loss -- I'm a hoot). Besides, let's be honest -- my life is a bit of a freak show. And freak shows are entertaining.

Don't worry, I'm not going to post anything too embarrassing, like the Man's obsession with Celine Dion or my mother's secret love for ponytails on men. But as a warning, if you do or say something completely ridiculous, you bet I'm going to write about it. 'Til then....

Early Marriage: A Rant

Contrary to popular belief, it's not often that I go on a rant about a particular subject. I know that I tend to be opinionated and stubborn, so usually I try and keep my mouth shut during debates to avoid causing a scene. However, after participating in a discussion this morning about early-age marriage, I'm dusting off the old soapbox and climbing aboard.

Let me put it bluntly: I think getting married at an early age is a bad idea. Considering that I work at a conservative private university where core family values and Christian ideals are strongly expressed, my views don't always receive a warm welcome. It's not that I don't believe in the Biblical family structure of one man and one woman; I wholeheartedly endorse heterosexual marriage and believe that we are better off economically, spiritually, physically, and emotionally because of it. My problem comes when Godly people: pastors, professors, parents, mentors, etc. encourage young college students (teenagers even!) to not wait to tie the knot.

This morning I read an article from Christianity Today, which basically stated that couples should get married at a young age to avoid having to stay abstinent during their peak sexual maturity. The author - Mark Regnerus - claims that the rising age-at-marriage for women from 21 (in 1970) to 26 (today) has cost us "five additional long years of peak sexual interest and fertility." Is it just me, or does this sound absolutely ridiculous?? Last time I checked, 20 year old women weren't lining up to get married so they could start having babies (unless, of course, your last name is Duggar and in that case, I'll be praying for you). The article does list some additional factors in making a marriage work, as a footnote at the end of seven pages, but the overall thesis was having sex. Choosing to get married because of sexual maturity and fertility is shallow at best and detrimental at worst.

But sex isn't even the real reason why I don't support early age-at-marriage. Through my job, I have dealt with several young couples who have faced not only economic hardship, but emotional and spiritual turmoil due to marrying too young. Marriage is a huge reality check for students who think that once they are married, life will continue to be blissful. In the article, Mr. Regnerus encourages parents to help out their young newlyweds (financially) as they adjust to independent life. With marriage comes responsibility, which means stop living off of mom and dad and/or Sallie Mae, get a job, and pay the bills. Choosing to get married is a HUGE decision, which honestly I don't think the average 18-22 year old is fit to make.

I know, here I am I'm ranting and raving about the evils of getting married too early, when I said, "I do" before my 25th birthday. Are we the only exception because it's my blog and I can't be wrong? Of course not. But we did make the transition from child, to college student, to independently functioning members of society before choosing to share our lives together. We graduated from college, got jobs, moved into our separate apartments, and got a taste of real life. I fear that students today think that marriage is "just like college, only with sex" and don't consider the consequences or missed opportunities. I'm not saying that everyone should be out of debt or own a house or have an established career before getting married (since we have none of those); but at least learn to stand on your own two feet first.

Part of me feels as though I should apologize if I offended anyone, but really, I don't think I'm too out of line. I have several friends who got married (what I would consider) young, and are making it work. Heck, my own parents did it! But does that mean I have to encourage it or condone it? No. Unfortunately it's not my job to give out advice, but maybe I'll start handing out my blog address with my business cards. Then again, as a landlady at a Christian university, my job would be at risk if students starting listening to me.

If I Had a Hammer...

....I'd probably whack some people over the head with it. Seriously though, if I had a nickel for every time I had to bite my tongue at work, I could afford the surgery to piece it back together. I know that I work at a Christian university and I should reflect Jesus' kind and gentle spirit, but really -- even Jesus upturned a few chicken coops now and then! I'm sure he didn't apologize to the Pharisees for being too harsh and I bet he never sugarcoated the truth in fear of ruffling their feathers. So why do I have to?

I think my office should be operated like the days of the Bible. If you don't pay your rent -- you're out on the street. If you don't repay your loans -- your wages are garnished for the rest of your life. If you write a bad check -- you owe us two goats and a donkey. If you call me names -- a pillar of fire from Heaven will descend upon you. If you take a piece of chocolate off my desk without asking -- you lose your hand. And so on and so forth. Sure it may seem a bit harsh compared to modern day ettiquete, but it would get the point across. And I wouldn't be out of chocolate.

September 16th! "Bah bah!"

One of the few benefits of being my friend is that I will (most likely) write a blog post in honor of your birthday (if I don't forget about it). Today, I would like to wish a very happy birthday to Ms. Faith A. Newman.

In Faith, I have found a fellow Friends watcher, Starbucks addict, Olympics buff, Buckeye devotee, Biggest Loser follower, and Brian Regan fan.

But more than just TV shows and Pieter Van Den Hoogenband, Faith has tirelessly elbowed her way into my inner circle, and I couldn't be more grateful. She has proven to be a wonderful friend, confidant, and fellow office trouble maker. (Let's be honest, everyone knows when Faith and I are together -- we kinda make a ruckus.)

Though we have not been close for very long, she has certainly made her mark on my life (and I mean that in a good way). So to Faith, I wish you the happiest of birthdays!

May you continue to bring joy and laughter into others' lives as you have mine. And brownies. And yum-bos. And those awesome no-bake cookies. (What are they called? Squishies?)

Happy Birthday!

What I'm For

Have you heard the song, "What I'm For" by Pat Green? (Of course not, since most of you don't have every single radio preset tuned to country music stations.) Anyway, the song lists several types of people, places, and things that the artist appreciates, and at the end of the chorus he sings, "You don't have to guess what I'm against, if you know what I'm for." I began to think about what I'm for, and since I love lists oh so much, here they are[in no particular order]:

• Country music (duh). And not the modern, guitar-driven, glittery shirt-wearin', faux hawk-stylin', appearing on The Late Show kinda country. I'm talking 'bout Alan Jackson, Patsy Cline, Dolly Parton, Geroge Strait, The Statler Brothers, George Jones, etc.
• Hot dogs cooked over a fire
• Chevy trucks
• Singing the National Anthem
• Football (particularly the Ohio State Buckeyes)
• Starbucks Coffee Company
• Reading instead of watching TV
• Playing outside instead of watching TV
• Clearance racks
• Card games
• Grass stains
• Church on Sunday morning
• Rugged men (cowboys, lumberjacks, muscle-bound Jews, etc.)
• Paying with cash
• Road trips
• Family get togethers
• Clorox Bleach
• Tent camping
• Corporal punishment
• Cold beer (with or without the "root")
• Fat jeans
• Martha Stewart
• Social justice
• Physical fitness
• Acceptance (not to be confused with tolerance)
• Hard work
• $5 pizzas
• Pretending to be high class
• Simple living
• 401(k)'s
• Motorcycles
• Lunch breaks*

*And with that being said, I'll stop for now. I'm curious to know what some of you are "for."

Way Back Whensday (ONU Edition)

It's that time of year -- when students return and the campus is buzzing with excitement and anticipation for the upcoming school year. (Do I sound like a brochure yet?) Today's post is in honor of Olivet and the 4 years I spent within these walls - shall ne'er forgotten be.

Thankfully I do not have any pictures from my freshman year (see the previous "Way Back Whensday" post, throw in a few thrift store t-shirts and a messenger bag, and you've got Freshman Lauren.) Judging by the "SOPHOMORE" written on our t-shirts, you can assume this was during Ollies Follies 2004.

Fast forward to Ollies Follies 2007 - Senior Year. Without a doubt, this was my best year at Olivet, with some of the most amazing roommates/friends: (l to r) Christen, Amy, and Megan. Our year was defined by Rocky movie marathons, endless batches of puppy chow, The Adventures of Mr. Wiggens, apartment boyfriends, and the continual game of "Don't Wake Daddy." Love these girls!

Finally, the infamous 2007 Sigma Tau Delta National Convention (affectionately known as NerdFest) in Pittsburgh, PA. It was a beautiful city, spent with beautiful friends and it was my first semi-decent accomplishment as an English major (other than, you know, studying at Oxford). Despite the 12+ hour train ride with no food, crazy bra-less ladies who slept on the floor, 13 year old drug dealers, and the Sigma Tau chapter president (who shall remain nameless) yelling at Dr. McGuire, we managed to have fun.

This fall marks my 6th year at Olivet -- 4 as a student, 2 as an employee -- and Lord knows when (or if) I'll ever leave.

Going Green

I've decided to go "green" by yelling and smacking stupid people upside their heads instead of writing polite emails and letters.

Can't say I haven't done my part in reducing my carbon footprint -- I'll kick you with it.